Love, Bella
by T. Alana M
Summary: The characters have a few things to say about fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1, Love Bella

Chapter 1.

Dear fanfiction,

I am not secretly in love with Emmett.

Love, Bella


	2. Chapter 2, Love Edward

**A/N Not mine. I'm sorry if this has already been done**

****Dear fanfiction,

I am not in love with Jacob. Where did you even get that idea?

Greatest regards, Edward


	3. Chapter 3, Love Rosalie

Dear idiots,

Regarding Bella;

Yes, we get along better now

Yes, I hate her less

_No, _we are not dating

Love, Rosalie


	4. Chapter 4, Love Jacob

**A/N Not mine**

Dear fanfiction,

I hate leeches.

Bella is an exception.

Barbie is not.

Jacob


	5. Chapter 5, Love Charlie

**Don't own**

* * *

****Dear Fanfiction,

I am not getting back together with Renee. Deal with it.

Love, Charlie


	6. Chapter 6, Love Cullens

**Don't own**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

We sparkle. We drink blood. We have superhuman speed and strength. We are immortal. We _like _being this way.

We are not human.

Love, the Cullens


	7. Chapter 7, Love Jane

Dear fanfiction,

I have discovered that most of you are under the delusion that I am romantically involved with Bella Swan-Cullen because I have failed to torture her. And that you are writing stories about your delusions.

Please stop, just because I can't torture her, it doesn't mean that I can't make _you _suffer.

Jane.

P.S. Stop pairing me up with Alec, too. That is creepy


	8. Chapter 8, Love Jasper

Dear fanfiction,

Edward!? I just-_Edward!? Really?_

__It. Will. Never. Happen.

Yours traumatized, Jasper


	9. Chapter 9, Jasper again

Dear fanfiction,

Or Bella.

Or Jacob. (Where did this even come from?)

Or Demetri. (And _this..?)_

Or anyone who isn't Alice

Yours truly, Jasper


	10. Chapter 10, Love Alice

Dear fanfiction,

Jasper is mine

Love, Alice


	11. Chapter 11, Love Demetri

Dear fanfiction,

Cease your incessant ramblings and _STOP_ writing stories about myself fornicating (that is _sex _to you scandalous people) with the following people:

1. Bella Cullen

2. Jasper Cullen

3. Caius

4. Leah Clearwater

5. Alice Cullen

6. Mary Sue (I have never heard of this person in my entire existence)

7. Gary Stu (Nor this one)

8. Edward Cullen

9. Jane-actually, she's not so bad...

10. Alec-her brother, however...

11. Felix (What will it take to convince you that I am _not _a homosexual? Sure, I can track people down, and there was that one night with... never mind.)

12. Riley

13. Bree Tanner

14. Aro (no...just, no)

15. Emmett Cullen

16. The rest of the Cullens

17. You know what? Just stop writing stories about me. Period. Or I will hunt you down and literally eat you.

Love, Demetri


	12. Chapter 12, Love Leah

**Leah decided to take control. I was shoved into the backseat. (T_T). Apologies in advance for her language.**

Dear fanfiction,

Leah and Jacob, Leah and Bella, Leah and Edward, Leah and Embry, Leah and Paul, Leah and Sam (Never. Again.), Leah and Emmett, Leah and _Demetri..._

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

I will imprint when I imprint, and it obviously isn't with anyone in the books (That's right! I'm breaking the fourth wall! I'm that badass.), but heck, I've got an eternity to search for The One, and he isn't gonna be called Mr. Gary Perfect Musclehead Stu.

Suck it, bitches!, Leah


	13. Chapter 13, Love James

Dear fanfiction,

I am dead. Not undead. Not semi-dead. Really, truly dead.

And I will not return nor reveal myself to have mysteriously survived despite being _literally ripped to pieces _and _set on fire _to be paired up with your OCs, Emmett Cullen, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan (she was just a snack to me-like that bologna sandwich in your fridge, do you see it? Yes, that is her. Bella=Bologna.), Alice Cullen(her too, but she was more chocolate cake), Embry, and Riley. Who are Embry and Riley, anyway?

Besides, I'm happy here with Victoria. In hell, you know, but still... Okay, not so happy, but happier than I'd ever be with Embry_. _Whoever he is. So stop bringing me back only to torture me. I think I'd kill myself again.

_After_ _I kill you._

From the grave, James.

* * *

**A/N: Chocolate cake is awesome. **


	14. Chapter 14, Love Riley

Dear fanfiction,

I...am not together with Bella, Bree, Peter, James, Jasper, Carlisle, Edward or Emmett.

Please stop saying that I'm just in denial. ಥ_ಥ

Love, Riley

* * *

**A/N This chapter is dedicated to JustcallmeRiley, my first and most loyal reviewer.**

**Cookie for you! **


	15. Chapter 15, Love non-stalkers (really!)

Dear fanfiction,

We are not stalkers. Really.

Love; Edward, Jacob, James and Demetri

Dear fanfiction,

We're _trackers,_ there is a difference.

Love, James and Demetri

Dear fanfiction,

We just happen to like the same girl, occasionally watch her sleep, frequently sneak in via window, like to sniff her and/or coddle her and/or make innuendos at her, know her full daily schedules, kidnap her via motorbike, and have her give birth to demon spawn and then proceed to fall in love with said demon spawn-respectively.

That does not mean that we are creepy and/or stalkers.

Really.

Jake & Edward


	16. Chapter 16, Love Carlisle

Dear fanfiction,

I don't spank, smack, or bitch slap any of my children. They are all over eighty, they're _legal adults _in VampireVerse, (since everyone seems to be making odd vampire traditions, I can too!)

Yes, Bella, you're eighteen forever, I'm sorry. Please stop screaming into my ear. It's sensitive, you know.

and so, they are far too old to be spanked. Not to mention I'd need at _least_ a steel paddle for that...

As for bitch-slapping, I'll leave that to their girlfriends. If Emmett wasn't immortal, I swear...

As I was saying-my children are mature, grown up and-Emmett! Put down that stake! No, Felix won't die if you shove garlic down his throat! Don't encourage him Jasper!

On second thought, I'll go hunt down that steel paddle.

Love, Carlisle


	17. Chapter 17, Love Esme

Dear fanfiction,

The fact that my husband is three hundred years older than me does not make him a pedophile.

Also, I am motherly, not an idiot.

Esme Cullen

* * *

**A/N 1254 views. 0.0 thanks, guys. Review!**


	18. Chapter 18, SOS Bella

Dear fanfiction;

SOS!

Did you know that there is a dumber, sluttier version of me running around?

I have nothing against 50 Shades of Grey... It's a great,um, porn book.

But Anastasia Steele (that's her actual name-not her porn name. Surprising, isn't it?) was modeled after moi! And she has an inner whore!-sorry, goddess.

She scares me. (""0_0)

Code red! Code red! Save me some pride-I am not that slutty.

Save me!, Bella

**Apologies to 50sog fans. In my defense, it's 2 a.m. and coffee doesn't affect me.**


	19. Chapter 19, Love Edward Ladykiller

Dear fanfiction,

I was a virgin for one hundred and ten years. Therefore, it is improbable for me to be a bloodsucking Casanova.

Love, Edward


	20. Chapter 20, Love Christian Grey

Dear fanfiction,

I am far hotter than Edward Cullen. I'm richer. And I've got a bigger dick. Also, my girl's sluttier—I mean, hotter.

Christian Grey

Dear fanfiction.

He used to be a fanmade me. I want to cry.

Edward Cullen.

**Credits for this chapter, chapter 18, and chapter 16 go to JustCallmeRiley. Thanks, Riley!**


	21. Chapter 21, Love Alec

Dear fanfiction,

Do stop making up tales of myself fucking my sister. It's highly disturbing, and she tried to kill me because of them.

_I will hurt you, _Alec

* * *

**A/N Hey, guys? My account says that this story has 3550 views. Do you you 3k people drop a few reviews? Thanks. Review!**


	22. Chapter 22, Love Renee

**Hey guys. Sorry for not updating in a while. My mom just told me it'd be better if I was never born because I said 'the hell?" to her.**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

I know that I'm not shown much during the books, but I am obviously a loving mother, and I would not run away screaming if told that my daughter was a vampire. Much.

I will not, however, accept her immediately, and I unfortunately do not have the foresight to see her for what species she is.

I will probably nag her for a while, then I will try to find a cure and coddle my granddaughter.

But I will eventually accept the facts and be happy for her, because that is what we mothers do.

Love, Renee

* * *

**Sorry for the lack of funnies.. I promise I'll make up for not updating in a while**


	23. Chapter 23, Love, The Wolf Chicks

**I am so sorry guys. I forgot my password. x_X**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction

Let's get a few things straight;

1. Imprinting works both ways. We also fall in love with the werewolf who imprints on us, and we won't break up with them and run crying to your Gary Stus.

2. We are PERFECTLY HAPPY with being human, or vamp-human, or Theodora, Wicked Witch of the East. We won't go looking for 'real' werewolves to change us so we can live forever and ever. (We like moonlit strolls. And moonlit sex. How would we ever get that with a 'real' werewolf?)

3. It's not creepy at all to fall in love with an unborn fetus. Nor is it creepy to make out with your future mother in law. Really.

Love, The Wolf Chicks Club. (President: Renesmee. Vice President: Claire.)


	24. Chapter 24, Love Harry Potter

Dear fanfiction,

Sorry for butting in in the wrong fandom, but I would just like to remind you that we do not admit anyone over 11 for their first year at hogwarts nor do we admit sparkling vampires. Our vampires are named Sanguini and they stare at children like creepy pedophiles. We might make an exception for Edward Cullen, but he will have to assume the guise of Cedric Diggory, as they are played by the same actor and his return will bring joy to us all. Particularly one Cho Chang.

I really should have made Dumbledore write this...

p.s. i would just like to clarify that I AM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH DRACO MALFOY

Love, Harry Potter

* * *

**Keep telling yourself that, Harry. ;) **


	25. Chapter 25, Love Victoria

Dear fanfiction,

Roses are red

Violets are blue

You are all dead

For making me screw

All the undead

And that Bella shrew

Love, Victoria


	26. Chapter 26, Love the Twilight community

Dear fanfiction,

Alice-Jasper

Bella-Edward

Esme-Carlisle

Rosalie-Emmett

Nessie-Jacob

Claire-Quill

Victoria-James

Laurent-Irina

A bunch of other people at the end of Breaking Dawn.

Please get these pairings right. We've married you know. 37 times. To the same people. We won't be exchanging our spouses anytime soon.

-Love, the Twilight community

* * *

**This story is not meant to offend anyone. It's simply cannon friendly. I think.**


	27. Chapter 27, Love Dracula

Dear ignorant fools,

I REFUSE TO BE LINKED TO THESE SPARKLING BUFFOONS.

Vlad Dracula


	28. Chapter 28, Love Death

Dear fanfiction,

Kindly stop making your immortal OCs it puts us out of work. You don't want to see Death as a hobo, now do you?

Believe me, you don't.

I may not be able to kill your immortal characters, but _I know where you live_

Love, Death


	29. Chapter 29, Love lost Naruto

Dear fanfiction,

I do not know any of these people.

Sasuke-teme is not a vampire. I'd notice if he sparkled. And laugh my ass off.

Love, Naruto

* * *

**I am desperate for muses. ._. Naruto wandered in here somehow.**


	30. Chapter 30, Love Real vampires

Dear fanfiction,

WE DO NOT SPARKLE

Love, Real Vampires


	31. Chapter 31,Love your average teenage boy

Dear fanfiction,

I've got something to ask you all regarding one topic:

**STALKING**

When Edward does it, it's romantic. When _I _do it, it's creepy on a bitch slap worthy level.

Can someone tell my face why that is? I'm just as awesome as a sparkly vampire!

-Teenage boy


	32. Chapter 32, Love Bella's window

Dear fanfiction,

I'm the window. You know, Bella's window. Why does no one write about me? I'm very interesting. I see all. I get abused by sparkling vampires and pedobear werewolves.

Some love, please?

Love, Bella's window


	33. Chapter 33, Love the Bell Company

Dear fanfiction,

please stop creating new vampires with bell voices. We're going bankrupt.

Love, the Bell company


	34. Chapter 34,Love Edward's Executionees

Dear fanfiction,

Just because we were sentenced to die anyway does NOT make it okay for the vamp to tear our throats out! We have feelings too! And we could have had escape plans...

Stop being mean to us! We're people too! Not side dish!

-Love, Edward victims


	35. Chapter 35, Love Riddle

Dear fanfiction,

Q: What would you get if you made an Edwistian and an Anabella?

A: An abomination from the darkest pits of sparkly sex hell

OMG! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Love, Riddle

* * *

**I don't even know anymore, guys...**

R&R


	36. Chapter 36, Love JB

Dear fanfiction,

I..am not..a..secretly gay vampire...

Love, Justin Bieber


	37. Chapter 37, Love Kristen Stewart

Dear fanfiction,

I do NOT wear the exact same expression for four movies! My face can change! ...Really!

Here, let me show you!

(-_-) Unnnnggghh

(-_-) UUUUGGGGHHHH

(-_-) _UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH_

_*twitch*_

(-_-)V Success!

Love, Kristen Stewart


	38. Chapter 38, We didn't do it!

Dear fanfiction,

None of us turned Justin Bieber! Stop with the hate mail!

-Twilight Vampires


	39. Chapter 39, I feel so underappreciated

Dear fanfiction,

What, Renesmee gets 3000 more stories than I do?

I'm rich, beautiful, and have been in all four books! What does she have that I don't?

Write more about me.

Love, Rosalie Hale


	40. Chapter 40, Hail Caesar!

**This chapter has been changed because HolleringHawk65 has informed me of my mistake. Thanks, HolleringHawk**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

We would like to inform you that Rome and Romania are, in fact, different places. this means that we have never worn togas and Julius Caesar was not a half breed child of ours.

-Vladimir and Stefan


	41. Chapter 41, Love Sam

**Hi guys! I'm back!**

**Special thanks to all who reviewed, favorited, or followed this story.**

**P.S. To 'Guest', thanks for your wonderful reviews, but no, I did mean 'coddle', not 'cuddle'. To coddle is to baby someone, and to cuddle is to hold.**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

You...you! You people need to get your facts right! And no, 'it's fanfiction' is not an excuse to butcher my life.

It's not my fault that Leah isn't 'the one'! Stop hating me!

Love, Sam


	42. Chapter 42, Love partay animal

Dear fanfiction,

Guys, thanks for seventy five reviews! Let's party, get drunk, and bang each other like there's no tomorrow!

No...Just..I'm not _that _bad, you know.

Love, Alice

* * *

**A/N Really though, thanks for the reviews! :D **

**r&R**


	43. Chapter 43, Love Vampire OC

Dear fanfiction,

I am hungry. FEED ME!

We're not all like Bella Cullen, you know. We're more likely to eat your human OC love interests. AND YOU

Love, Vampire OC

* * *

**I don't know where this came from... I'm hungry. **


	44. Chapter 44, Love Angsty Emo

Dear fanfiction,

Angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst.

I DO NOT ANGST ALL DAY

I can feel other, positive emotions! Really, I can! Like...like during sex! I feel all happy and tingly and be_come_ing-!

Love, Jasper


	45. Chapter 45, Love STFU

Dear fanfiction,

Jasper, dear, I love you. But you need to,

Shut. The fuck. Up.

Love, Alice

* * *

**R&R Please! We can make it to 100 reviews guys! I know we can!  
**


	46. Chapter 46, Love Tanya

**10 more reviews to go! Let's do this!**

**This one is from 46 Husbands Later**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

Please don't hate me... I do like Edward... But I'm not a jealous bitch. Edward belongs to Bella, and I get that.

Can you pair me up with one of your hot OCs? I'm desperate here.

Love, Tanya


	47. Chapter 47, Love Paul

**This one is for Purple Rose!**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

Why is there so little fanfics about me? I'm the most awesome werewolf ever! EVER!

I may be bad tempered, but I have a soft side! Ask Rachel!

I'm also great at dog impressions. See? Bow before the power of my PUPPY-DOG EYES!

Love, Paul


	48. Chapter 48, Love Aro

**This one is for** **Lonesome Weeping Angel 10**

**Five more reviews to go! :D**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

Sulpicia. S-U-L-P-I-C-I-A

THAT is the name of my mate. Can you read? It is not spelled I-S-A-B-E-L-L-A or C-A-I-U-S or A-L-I-C-E or J-A-N-E.

My wife is Sulpicia. I courted her, I turned her, I keep her locked up in a tower so she doesn't die.

Love, Aro

* * *

**r&r**


	49. Chapter 49, Love Corrin

**3 more reviews to go! I love you guys!**

* * *

****Dear fanfiction,

Why have I no love? I am the Volturi's yoga instructor/baby sitter. I give everyone zen and content. And babysit the wives.

More love, please?

Love, Corrin

* * *

**You! You 13.030 viewers! Review! **


	50. 50th CHAPTER ANNIVERSARY!

**AND WE'VE MADE IT TO 50 CHAPTERS AND 100 REVIEWS! THANKYOU ROBSTEN FOR BEING THE 100th REVIEWER!**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction,

VAMPIRES ROCK!

Love, the Cullens


	51. Chapter 51, Love The Wives

Dear fanfiction,

You know, our stories are much more interesting than a high school romance. Our husbands locked us in a tower to unnecessarily protect us. How romantic is that?

Athenodora and Sulpicia


	52. Chapter 52, Love Jessica

Dear fanfiction,

Turn me into a vampire and give me an awesome sex life. NOW. Why does Bella get it all?

Love, Jessica

* * *

**Thanks for all the reviews!**

**That means a lot, Nonemous, thanks. ;)**


	53. Chapter 53, Silence of the wolf!

Dear fanfiction,

Bella, I love you, I want to be with you forever, you're my everything, so please-URK!

(•_•). ( •_•)⌐□-□. (⌐□_□) Just killed a dog. Yeah. Dinner, baby. -Katniss Everdeen

* * *

**This is based on a youtube video I saw a while ago. Katniss killed Jacob and Bella in it. XD**


	54. Chapter 54, Love Mike

Dear fanfiction,

Why can't I be a hot vampire and get all the chicks?

Don't ignore me, people. I'm important too :(

Love, Mike

* * *

**YOUU 16, 067 people who have viewed this story! Review!** **Or I'll send Mike after you! No one will even know he was there. **  
**R&R :D**


	55. Chapter 55, Love the Avengers

Dear fanfiction,

**NO **we will not take your vampire OCs or vampire Cullens or ANYTHING SPARKLY THAT IS NOT THE CAPTAIN'S HAIR to be in our team.

Love, the Avengers


	56. Chapter 56, Love Caius

Dear fanfiction,

It has come to my attention that you presume I have an...incestuous relationship with Aro, whom I refer to and consider as my brother.

CEASE THIS AT ONCE!

Aro shook hands with one of you yaoi fan girls three months ago-and he's STILL in a coma! WHAT GOES ON THROUGH YOUR SICK HEADS, YOU SCARY HUMANS!?

Love, Caius


	57. Chapter 57, Love Angela

No, I'm not a witch. Or a fairy. Or whatever else you or Bella think I am. 100% human!

Love. Angela


	58. Chapter 58, Love Angst Fest Edward!

**Sorry, sorry, sorry! :( I am a bad person for not updating this. =(. I was busy with the other stories ( Does anyone want to check them out? :D )**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

Woe is me. I am inadequate. A horrible substitute after days of no chapters, and this horrible piece is what you get. I should be burned at stake. My life is meaningless...and I'm not even alive.

I AM NOT THAT BAD!

Love, Angst-fest Edward

**Denial, Eddie. :P A lot of people portray Edward like this in his pre-Bella days. :D And they're totally right. Just looked what happened in New Moon!**


	59. Chapter 59, Love the Salvatore brothers

Dear fanfiction,

Ummmm... We don't sparkle.

Love, Stefan and Damon Salvatore


	60. Chapter 60, Love Renesmee

**I AM SO SORRY! I was shipped off to summer school for the past few weeks.**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

Jacob will not rape me if I have the mentality of a six-year-old. However, as I am obviously a Mary Sue, I will mature and have sex with the dude who molested my mom far earlier than you normal humans. So yes, I will be having awesome consensual sex at six years old.

-Love, Renesmee


	61. Chapter 61, Love I-Don't-Have-Balls

Dear fanfiction

Quit saying I have balls! I don't want balls! One good kick is enough to do them in! I have a vagina and it's way better; you can pop babies out of that thing! And I won't be disabled by a toddler aiming for the nads... Sam really shouldn't have called Quil a pedophile in front of Claire...

Love, Leah


	62. Chapter 62, Love Paul

Dear fanfiction,

Yo! While I agree that the first transformation could have been anything, and thus AUs where we aren't wolves are completely possible, but we WILL NOT TURN INTO RAINBOW PONIES DAMMIT

-Paul


	63. Chapter 63, Love the Evil Boy Genius

Dear fanfiction,

I AM A BOY GENiUS. HOW DARE YOU TURN ME INTO A SPARKLING GARY STU!

-Artemis Fowl II


	64. Chapter 64, Love Sam Or is it?

_One day, in a pretty meadow, a handsome latino man was walking. Then suddenly, he got on all fours and transformed. Sam Uley then became...Porkie Pie the Pony._

Dear fanfiction,

Why...why...

-Sam


	65. Chapter 65, Love the Phantom

Dear fanfiction,

The day I 'confess' that I am secretly Edward Cullen is the day I hang myself with de Chagny's shiny hair.

-Erik D (the Phantom (of the Opera) )


	66. Chapter 66 Love Buffy

Dear fanfiction,

I need a pay raise for this *stabs Aro*

-Buffy, the Vampire slayer


	67. Chapter 67, Love Goddess of Sue-ness!

**Don't own Twilight. This chapter is dedicated to GracyGirl.**

**Dear Guest: Thanks for reviewing; if you didn't like it then why did you read all 66 chapters?**

**My other readers: I love you all! XD Thank you for sticking with me after many long weeks of not updating.**

* * *

Dear fanfiction,

I AM NOT A GODDESS! I AM A FREAKING VAMPIRE MARY SUEEEEEEE!

-Love, Bella

* * *

**Eh, I used to love Twilight, but now I'm sort of seeing Bella as a Mary Sue version of Stephenie (brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin? Subtle, Stephenie. :P) I still intend on finishing this, so please stick with me!**


	68. Chapter 68, Love the Chocolate Fetishist

Dear fanfiction,

I say! What an odd werewolf you are! Quick, we must get you to St Mungo's to determine what's wrong with you!

-Remus John Lupin (aka Chocolate Fetishist aka President of Werewolves-are-Pedophiles-Anonymous!)

Waii-WHA?

-Jacob Black

* * *

**To those who've never read/watched/spammed/fangirl'd the Harry Potter series, Remus John Lupin is Harry's werewolf teacher. He also married a girl who was thirteen years younger than him, Nymphadora Tonks. I like Tonks and Lupin, but between them, Jake and Nessie, and Claire... the amount of pedowolves in the Werewolf Community seems a bit much, if you catch my drift.**


	69. Chapter 69, Twilight's list of Fetishism

The Twilight List of Sexual Fetishes:

1. Bestiality: The love of animals in a sexual way  
2. Necrophilia: Fucking a dead person  
3. Pedophilia: Getting turned on by someone who is not yet out of diapers.  
4. Infantophilia: Imprinting on an embrio  
5. Hematophilia: It's a blood fetish- - -do the math.  
6. Stalker-philia: Because let's face it, "I like watching you sleep"? STALKER!  
7. Gerontophilia: Liking someone who is THAT much older than you  
8. Sparkle fetish: I bet Edward cums glitter glue  
9. Autassassinophilia: Getting turned on by being put in life-threatening situations  
10. Autovampirism: A sexual fetish of imagining oneself in the form of a vampire- -Yes, Bella used to jerk off to that. Then she became an actual vampire and jerked off to sparkles.  
11. Chronophilia: A sex fantasy of partners with wildly differing chronological ages.  
12. Sadism: I'm looking at you, James  
13. Pyrophilia: Attraction to fire- -still looking at you James. You know you like it when big,strong Emmett got his hands on you...  
14. Somnophilia: A sexual attraction to sleeping or unconscious people- -DAMMIT EDWARD!

15. Sthenolgania: Attraction to displays of strength- -You know Bella dry humped her Edward-handprint truck

16. Symphorophilia: Getting turned on by witnessing car crashes- -If the car was pitted against a hot vampire, that is  
17. VAMPIRISM: A SEX FETISH INVOLVING BLOOOOOODDDDDD AND VAMPIRES!

* * *

**AN Yes, I am on crack**


	70. Chapter 70, TWILIGHT LOGIC

TWILIGHT LOGIC

1. If vampires can not breathe, nor do they have blood circulating in their veins, then they are incapable of getting erections.

2. If Jasper goes crazy at the sight of a papercut, then why has this never happened when Bella had her periods?

3. Kristen revealed that she was pregnant with Renesmee by going, OMG, and staring at her flat tummy. She has a fucking sixth sense.

4. If Twilight Moms and Robert Pattinson were genderswapped. You'd get a horde of 40 year olds screaming for a teenage girl. And then someone would call the cops.

5. Before: Vampires snuck up on you in dark alleyways, dragging you kicking and screaming to their lairs while they pinned you down and sucked your blood...  
After: They play baseball.

6. "In my time, we vampires..." -Count Dracula  
"Your time has passed, old timer." -Bella Cullen  
"Pity. We used to suck blood...not dick." -Count Dracula

7. The Cullens have eternal youth, immortality, inhuman beauty, superhuman strength and speed... and they choose to go to high school for eternity. WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN THAT DECISION? WHERE? I'M A JUNIOR AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO FRIGGIN END AND YOU WANT TO DO IT FOREVER? HAS THE VENOM FROZEN YOUR BRAIN CELLS?

8. PETA protests. Because apparently animal cruelty is encouraged. See, this is why Jacob is the only pet the Cullens will ever have.

9. NEW MOON: BESTIALITY VS NECROPHILIA. Choose the corpse, Bells. Your spawn can get the mutt.

10. Sparkly, emotionally abusive boyfriends are cool.

* * *

**Eh, don't worry Eddie. We still love you and your fucked up common sense.**

**HolleringHawk65: No, not really. I just wrote it yesterday and posted it. :P**

**46 Husbands Later: It's called 'High School Party Booze'. XD**

**Thanks Twilightfanjm**, **SophieAngel69, and guest.. :)**


	71. Chapter 71, Love Vlad

Dear fanfiction,

I know I have said this before, but I must emphasise this point: Vampires suck _blood, _not cock.

- Dracula (and every other self-respecting non-sparkly vampire out there)

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**Guys, there are nearly 50 favorites and follows for this story, but only about 5 reviews per chapter. :( I know you guys can do better! R&R please!**


	72. Chapter 72, WE DID GOOD

**Special thanks to RobstenLover93, holleringHawk65, Alici Testarossa, abishop47, SophieAngel69, and Twilightfanjm :)**

Dear fanfiction,

To take a break from all the bashing, I'd like to say that our story- -all four, extremely long books and five two-hour long movies of our lives that none of us will ever get back- -was a beautiful portrayal of first love, both from me and Bella, with very well developed characters who give Buffy a tougher career. And we birthed Fifty Shades of Grey. That counts for something, right?

Edward Cullen

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**I'm sorry. Every time I try to say something good. A freak show is what comes out.**

**R&R :)**


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